RevSpork

"StreetWise!"

Chicago newspapers are in bad shape. Both major newspapers - the Tribune and the Sun-Times - are in Chapter 11. Our major alternative newspaper - the Reader is in similar straits. Now comes news that StreetWise, the little newspaper hawked by homeless folks on Chicago's street corners, will close by June if they can't raise enough money.

Every Chicagoan (or tourists taking in the sights) has heard the simplest of sales pitches, "StreetWise!", emanating from some grizzled vocal cords on a street corner or in front of a store. In fact, there are over 200 of these folks, all of whom rely on these newspapers to pay for rent, food, and other necessities. Most of us ignore them as we walk past, but every once in a while we're in that certain giving mood and we pony up the two bucks for the magazine, which we rarely read, and ends up in the recycling bin fairly quickly.

These hawkers need more folks in giving moods, and fast. The magazine is suffering from the same symptoms as our major local newspapers: decreasing sales coupled with a nasty slump in advertising dollars. Worse, their foundation support is down by over half this year. In 45 days, a 16-year tradition of "StreetWise!" calls will be silenced, and those over two hundred hawkers will most likely return to a much more desperate life: jockeying for prime space on major streets with a styrofoam cup in their hand.

So next time, when you hear the call of the StreetWise vendor, you may want to hand him or her a couple of bills and grab a copy. You might not have the opportunity in the near future.

"Shameless" an inadequate description

Another week, another dog-fighting bust in Chicago. And unlike Michael Vick's pooches - most of whom who were sent to Dogtown - the two pit bulls found in the basement were euthanized. There was no trip to basic cable for these dogs.

The Chicago Tribune called this crime "shameless." Many of the audience who were arrested expressed utter confusion, wondering why they were being arrested. After all, what's wrong with dogfights? Nobody gets hurt. It's a cultural institution. Sure. And the guillotine was a French cultural institution.

I understand the violence of football. I don't understand the thrill of rugby or boxing, but I also understand that both sports consist of people who are well aware of the risks of the sports. If a player goes down, the odds are 100 percent they will be helped by some of the best physicians, physical therapists, and trainers in the business.

Dogs, on the other hand, are considered far more disposable. Their first loss in a dog fight is generally their last; if they don't die in the ring, they'll be dispatched afterwards. The victors don't have fun, either: for example, the dogfighters in this arrest carried with them amphetamines and steroids to stoke the dogs, and a staple gun to close open wounds. Of course, fighting dogs have no agents to represent them, no ability to complain about their treatment, and only a difficult-to-enforce state law to protect them.

Dogfighters and dogfighting fans are less than shameless: they're scum. They have no morals, no respect for life - human or animal, and are more deserving of the old "eye for an eye" punishment than most. The problem with dogfighting is that, as an illegal "cultural institution," there's a huge demand for it, and if the cops stamp out dogfighting in one neighborhood, it immediately moves to another. The Chicago police have scored some victories, but one of the results is the expansion of dogfighting into the suburbs.

Unfortunately, there's not a lot that can be done on the law enforcement side of things, especially during a recession. The law itself could be made stronger: although participating in a dogfight is a felony in Illinois, watching one is only a misdemeanor. Upping the spectator penalty might help. The most important contribution that can be made, however, is education and volunteering. Chicago police are being trained to better spot signs of dogfighting, and if you want to join in the fight, check out the Humane Society-run End Dogfighting in Chicago web site.

The new Chicago Tribune...

...is awful.  Tori and I bought the Sunday Trib, and we couldn't believe it.  The new Sunday paper is just over half the size of the old one, and the sports page is a whopping eight pages long.  Not only that, but the articles are tiny.  The Sunday Chicago Tribune is basically a Red Eye.  If this is the future of newspapers, then newspapers have no future.

Dickhead Daley, traffic cop

Since I moved to Chicago in 2001, our mayor has:

• wrecked an airport;
• overseen the raising of the sales tax to the highest level in the country;(and yes, I know this was Toad Stoger's work, and a county issue rather than a city issue, but the Dickhead could've at least protested.)
• overseen the jacking up of property taxes;
• gradually turned downtown Chicago into a forest of luxury condos;
• ruined Soldier Field;
• now wants to make it "two strikes and you're out" for traffic violators. Two parking tickets, dude, and you get the boot. (Remember folks, in 2001 it was five traffic violations.)

Sure, we all would like safer streets, and Chicago has always struck me as "The City Where Red Lights are Merely a Recommendation." But like all Dickhead's little plans, the new booting recommendations effect mostly those least able to pay.

Let's just say you got a couple of parking tickets (of course, as many Chicago drivers are painfully aware, traffic enforcement in Chicago is a study in capriciousness), and under the new rules, you're booted. Let's say you were in Wisconsin for a vacation, so you were away for a week. You come back home, and your car is not merely booted, but gone. You make the necessary calls, and you find out this: Friday: car booted. Price for de-booting: $60 Saturday: car towed after 24 hours. Towing fee: $150 Sunday-Friday: $10/day for 1st five days, $35/day after that. Fee: $85 Total: $295.

And that doesn't even include the original parking tickets. And this assumes your car hasn't vanished into the ether, a not-uncommon fate for Chicago drivers. Most of us can pay off that fine with some annoyance but little difficulty; we learn our lesson and go on with our lives. But for poorer folks, coughing up four hundred, five hundred dollars based on a couple of traffic violations means they may never see their vehicle again. Some people, upon seeing their cars booted and despairing of ever getting their car back, might do what some homeowners have done in the wake of the housing collapse: trash their own property, take everything remotely valuable, and leave a useless shell in their wake. Given the state of the economy, the parts of the car may be more valuable than the car itself.

But that's old hat for the Dickhead. He loves Chicago, but only his own vision of the city. And that vision is disturbed by the sight of poor or working-class citizens trying to make a living here. So down comes affordable housing, up comes seven-digit condos. Rich people can afford a 10.25% percent sales tax, rapidly escalating property taxes, a crappy mass transit system, and a booted Hummer or two. Poor people can't, and in Dickhead's mind, if they can't afford it, they can move to the 'burbs. After all, we're not his kind.

It took him long enough

At the time, I was both horrified and fascinated: one night in the autumn of 2003, the Chicago Cubs pulled off the most beautiful work of performance art in sports history, falling apart with five outs left in the game to deny themselves a chance to win their first World Series in 95 years. And this living, breathing, ivy-lined canvas was triggered by a foul ball hit towards the stands.

Today, as the World Series drought for the Cubs reaches the century mark, after four and a half years of continued Chicago Cubs fans' frustration, former Cubs left fielder Moises Alou confesses: he probably would not have caught the foul ball that fan Steve Bartman batted out of his reach. Really? I suspected that all along, and it's about time he admitted it.

The dying alcoholic on the #22 bus

Two Sunday mornings ago, I stepped onto the #22 Clark bus. It was about 6:30, a hint of daylight in the sky. There he was, sitting where I've always seen him sit, one aisle back from the handicapped seats on the driver's side.

Drunks have ridden Chicago's mass transit system since the very beginning; I wouldn't be surprised if the very first rider was blasted. Drunks and the Chicago Transit Authority go together like rum and coke. But the gentleman I walked past for the third Sunday morning in five weeks was the saddest-looking drunk I've ever seen.

First-world city, third-world mass transit

The Chicago Transit Authority is in yet another budget crisis. This year the nightmare scenario includes eliminating two rail lines and over sixty bus lines, as well as jacking up fares up to $3.25. All this, of course, is just the latest in a steady stream of bad news for the CTA and its riders this year.

We've endured construction delays, a mass shooting on a South Side bus, and so many slow spots on major train lines that it will take years and billions of dollars to repair them all. It's enough to want me to take a cab, except the cab companies are lobbying to hike their fares, too.

Mass transit is the lifeline of a large city; it's one system you don't want to screw around with. It alleviates traffic congestion, helps boost tourism revenue, and, of course, helps zillions of schlubs like me get to and from work. Cities like Portland OR, Toronto, and Washington DC all boast mass transit systems that are better-funded and better-run than Chicago's. Hell, even Los Angeles, known for its car culture more than any other American city, is expanding its mass transit system. Why does the CTA have to crawl to Springfield every year, begging for money? It's idiotic.

It's yet another reason to just give up, hightail it to the suburbs, and just buy a car and get it over with.

Another day, another mayoral election

Let's face it: Chicago is corrupt and rotten. Let's also get this out into the open: Chicagoans like it that way. Most Chicagoans have either been cowed into believing that Dickhead Daley is the only man who can run the city, or who have accepted the belief that a kleptocracy is the only way to run Chicago. Any scandal that erupts in this town is immediately dismissed (and defended) as being "the Chicago way of doing things."

Chicago is one of those cities who embrace negativity with the same enthusiasm other, more mentally balanced humans embrace positivity. Take sports teams. The Chicago Cubs have attained practically a legendary status because they *don't* win. When the team lost 95 games last year, many fans were disappointed that they would strive for such mediocrity. The real Chicago Cubs would have lost at least a hundred games. At the same time, it boggles my mind how the Chicago Bulls' mind-blowing NBA dynasty of the 1990s has become more a footnote in Chicago sports history rather than a major point of civic pride. It's as if the championship seasons have been embraced by everyone in America except Chicago. Let's face it: Chicago prefers losers to winners when it comes to sports and politics.

For the last few days, my apartment has been barraged with a combination of phone calls and junk mail, telling me to reelect Dickhead Daley. No, no, a million times no. I'm not sure who I'm voting for, but not for the most corrupt, disgusting ball of phlegm to run Chicago since his old man dropped dead. I may vote for another candidate, or I might write-in my wife, who is completely wonderful and healthier for the city than the Dickhead. But I'm never voting for that scumbag or his aldermen sycophants. And if you live in Chicago, I'd recommend you do the same. It's about time we had some winners running the city.

Can it get any colder?

Of course it can. And it will. On Super Bowl Sunday, when I'll be hosting a fun little party, the high temperature is expected to be eight degrees. Depending on what web site you look at, the low temp will be anywhere from two degrees above to eight degrees below.

I don't know why I'm complaining. Chicago has been downright balmy most of the winter. And I'm sure that my wife's relatives in Milwaukee will have it worse. And Duluth? They're screwed.

I just hope the weather doesn't prevent our guests from ditching. There will be, after all, hot dogs *and* chips. Who can miss out on that?

From Bedford Falls to Potterville

In a stunning victory for gentrification freaks, the Supreme Court greatly expanded the power of eminent domain, ruling that cities can seize your property and tear down your home to make way for private development.  The original concept of eminent domain (which has, admittedly, been abused for centuries) was to build public projects, such as roads or schools, or to reduce blight.  Now a developer can pick any property they want, make a deal with the city, and blammo!  Here's a check, bobo, now get out of our way.  And of course, given the obnoxiously skyrocketing price of real estate nowadays, you might not even be able to buy another house with the check the city gives you.  Ha ha!  Now quit snivelling and make way for people with *real* money.

Hark!  What was that noise?  It sounded remarkably like Mayor Daley having an intense orgasm!  Thanks to this ruling, the mayor can convert Chicago into Naperville in a matter of years. 

So if your town decides to take out your city block and put up a shopping mall, you're basically fucked.  Do keep in mind: the Second Amendment still exists.