Lemme tell ya, I don't believe in the Rapture, where all the saved get lifted up to heaven while the rest of us losers have to cope with all hell breaking loose. In fact, I'd like to think the Rapture already happened, that God only saw fit to lift two crazy homeless people and a nun, and nobody noticed.
However, every once in a while I learn of some new bit of news that makes me really, really root for a full-blown Apocalypse, even though I'm fairly certain I'm not among the chosen. Because even if I have to endure trials, tribulations, bleeding moons, etc., at least people will turn their attentions away from coming up with bizarre shit like the following:
1. Personalized vagina pendants. Lookie here, it's truck nuts for girls! That they can wear around their necks! Potential purchasers are told to "celebrate their beauty." Fine, but I'd like to see what would happen if I sported a personalized pecker pendant while walking about town. On the other hand...no, no I wouldn't.
2. The continuing persecution of domestic abuse victims. Get beat up by your boyfriend? No problem! Get thrown out of your home, get threatened with arrest, lose your health insurance. What next? Branding "punch me" on their foreheads? Come to think of it, that actually seems kind compared to the other three punishments.
3. The fact that people actually care about these people more than they care about their own families. Jon's a slimy moron, Kate's emotionally stunted, and the kids are going to be so fucked up by the time they grow up, they might not even notice Armageddon. They're already living it. What these people need is not more publicity, or even less publicity, but no publicity.
4. Sexy Smurfette Halloween costumes. Was I the only 11-year old boy who watched the cartoon because he liked the show and NOT because of a crush on Smurfette? I just thought she was another cartoon character, not the first step towards a serious Jessica Rabbit / Heavy Metal addiction. And hasn't the costume industry squeezed the "sexy employee" concept dry yet? What's next, sexy cabbies?
5. Douching with Lysol. Yes. Because douching with Coca-Cola wasn't gross enough.
6. This. The GOP doesn't harbor racists. Really, they don't.
7. The perils of online dating. It only took me eight months and 65 rejections to find the lady who would become my second wife online; if I were as paranoid as this woman, I'd still be single, and good for the rest of the world. You don't want to pass these paranoid genes to another generation.
8. I can't deny my own beliefs. Yes, I consider myself a pro-lifer. Yes, I believe in some restrictions. However, I also support universal access to birth control, RU-486, Plan B, and allowing gay adoptions. I don't even necessarily want to see abortion become illegal: I want to see it become obsolete. Some freaking pro-lifer I am. So when I read about jackasses like Randall Terry attempting idiotic publicity stunts like this, I want to respond with a "Randall Terry is a Shit-Spewer" YouTube campaign. Simply blow up a photo of Mister Operation Rescue, cut out his mouth, and attach it to your favorite mammal's rear end so that any fecal matter emerges out Mr. Terry's oral cavity. Record and pass it around.
9. Bob Dylan's Christmas album. The release of this album is well-hidden but very much present in the Book of Revelations. If Mannheim Steamroller releases an album of Dylan covers, you'll find me reading the Left Behind series very, very thoroughly.
10. The A-Team movie. Enough said. Bring on Armageddon!
1. I am all for more PDG (public displays of genitalia). I think it's a fabulous idea. Go vaginas!
4. Did you notice they couldn't even spell "Smurfette" correctly? Bah. Did you also notice where Smurfette's left hand is in that photo? My my, Papa Smurf is looking extra jolly. Oh and the "sexy ____" well hasn't come anywhere close to running dry, Rev. Not as long as women put on costumes.
9. How does it feeeeeeeel? To be a bell that jingles? Like a can of Pringles? Or a star that twinkles? Or a hose that sprinkles? Or...
BLAM!
(thud)
Posted by: Felix Helix | 29 October 2009 at 09:04 AM
1) I think somebody should make booby necklaces that would dangle between the boobies when worn. I don't know if it's redundant or ironic though...
2) I can't make a funny comment on this one. Carlin could, but I'm simply not qualified
3) Besides isn't the math now, Jon - (Kate + 8)? How are you going to sell a show that requires parentheses in the equation?
4) Also I'm sorry but I never got the Daisy Duke thing when I was younger. I mean yeah I see what people are saying now but maybe I was just a late bloomer? I just thought the car was cool.
5) I'm sorry but anytime somebody mentions "douche" I just think of Joe Lieberman
6) Ditto!
7) I'm a geek and I think online dating sucks. Yes, just what I needed, dating that's based on people authoring marketing brochures about themselves. Maybe there's a business in creating logos to associate with people's dating brand. It has crossed my mind to market my photography services to people who need dating site photos. Most people's photos suck!
8) I tend to think that if you get people easy access to birth control and proper education, abortion will become largely redundant. I totally agree with the "safe, legal, and rare" mantra.
Of course, no matter how rare, the crazies will still protest.
9) I have no comment on this because I don't know how to type out Dylan singing silent night.
10) No idea about this one. I've been waiting for them to go down this road but wasn't sure how they'd do it. Would it be a hoakey comedic remake, or a gritty retelling. The director is the same guy who did smokin aces. I think I saw that movie but I don't remember which doesn't really bode particularly well. I really like Liam Neeson but hard this might just be a paycheck part for him.
Posted by: Steve | 29 October 2009 at 10:13 AM
Mr. Helix,
In regards to your opinion about public vaginas, I am hardly surprised, given that you are a dirty naked hippie who probably smells of patchouli and wheat germ. I suspect your flap your genitalia all over Blogland. I would not be surprised if you flash the Huffington Post, you bad man. Hang down your head, Felix Helix, hang down your head and cry.
Posted by: Reverend H.L. Spork | 29 October 2009 at 07:12 PM