As you read this, I, the Reverend H.L. Spork, have dispatched my well-trained army of lesser Reverends to take over city hall here in Phoenix. I decided upon this course with extreme reluctance, as I believe in freedom, democracy, and all that bullshit. However, in the week that I've resided in this city, I've come to believe that only with a temporary interruption of democratic government can Phoenix save itself from itself.
My mother has lived in Phoenix for a quarter of a century now, and I've dropped by now and again since 1985. Arizona is a very, very strange state, ravaged by flash floods and wildfires (sometimes in the same month), where parts of the state can hit 100 degrees in March while other parts are hit by several feet of snow. Politics here are simply insane, a patchwork of crazy libertarians, even crazier right-wingers, Mexicans, and heat-blasted hippies, all of whom loathe the government. Arizona is a state where authority of any kind is held in contempt, even on occasions when it decides upon a course of common sense. If the state passed a law banning jumping off cliffs, Arizonians by the thousands would immediately form pro-cliff jumping rights groups, lobby the state legislature to repeal the law, and litter the bottoms of cliffs with their corpses, all giving the middle-finger salute.
This year is no different: Arizona, like most states, is facing a huge financial crisis. The state government is struggling to stay afloat. One of the biggest bills getting through the state legislature? A bill that would allow gun owners to take their firearms into bars.
Phoenix, as the state capital, largest city, and financial center of the state, is the epicenter of this loonyness, and in order to save the state from itself, I have taken over the city. As you know, I am a benevolent despot, and I promise to run the city of Phoenix with a loving but stern eye, making decisions based upon what is best for the city. Once I sit myself down at the throne of Phoenix (artificially cooled because of my sensitive hiney), I will enact the following laws. So it is written, so it will be done:
Rule #1: You don't get lawns. C'mon people, this is the fucking desert. Even the grass near sewer pipes is dead. There's barely enough water for bathing, let alone watering your damned lawn. You want a lawn, grow what God intended to grow here, namely cacti, succulents, and rocks. On a related note:
Rule #2: Anyone who owns a golf course within a 50-mile radius of my throne will be hung from the nearest seguaro.
Rule #3: Hanging truck nuts from your vehicle is permissible, but you must trade them in for your real nuts. Only one set of nuts per vehicle.
Rule #4: Any senior citizen who complains about paying taxes for K-12 education will have their scooters taken away. You can crawl to the Hometown Buffet for all I care.
Rule #5: Driving tests will become far more difficult than they currently are. Not only will Phoenix residents be required to read at a third-grade level and drool in no more than one direction, they will have to pass an IQ test. Any prospective driver who fails any one of these tests will not be allowed to drive, but will be issued a recently-confiscated mobility scooter.
Rule #6: All NRA gun nuts who complain about not being able to bring their firearms into kindergartens or unfairly banned from owning a nuclear weapon will be shipped to Afghanistan, where they will undoubtedly find paradise on earth.
Rule #7: Your hockey team has to move. Your team sucks, nobody cares about the sport here, and quit pretending that your city is just too damned big not to have a hockey team. Los Angeles hasn't had an NFL team in nearly fifteen years, and they're doing just fine. If God wanted you to have hockey in Phoenix, there would be naturally-occurring ice here. See any? Next case.
Rule #8: Cox Cable must merge with Comcast and rename itself Asshole Communications.
Rule #9: Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio must enter an eating contest to see how many green bologna sandwiches he can eat in one hour, then will lead himself in a one-man chain-gang march through the city dressed in pink underwear.
Rule #10: Anyone else cuts my mom in traffic cuts ME off in traffic too. Watch yer ass.
What are "truck nuts?" Do I even want to know?
Posted by: Laura | 04 July 2009 at 06:47 PM
Laura, my love...your Yankee address protects you from this...fad. But here...
http://www.bulls-balls.com/index.cgi?photo.html
Posted by: Reverend H.L. Spork | 06 July 2009 at 12:15 AM