RevSpork

You think she should have saved the fries?

Who's up for Mickey D's?

 

One of these McDonald's hamburgers was prepared and sold in 1996, twelve years ago.  The other was purchased just before this photo was taken last week.  Which one is the twelve-year old burger?

Here's your answer.

Elliptical iPod Workout Reviews - Volume 4

I recently added some punk to my 70s elliptical mix, but it's not working out.  Hearing Jello Biafra scream about Jerry Brown taking over the country and creating a hippie Nazi state is definitely worth exercising to once.  And I mean once.  Since it was put out in 1979, I won't review it here, or probably ever.  Aren't you thrilled?

Here's volume 4:

Men Without Hats - "Safety Dance" - Some people hate this goofy little song.  These people are evil.  I love this song.  Always have.  And it's a great tune for an elliptical workout, particularly when I could use a mid-tempo song to slow me down for a few minutes or so.  Grade: A

New Order - "Bizarre Love Triangle" - Sometimes I think electronic pop music was tailor-made for elliptical workouts.  "Bizarre Love Triangle," like "Safety Dance" is a perfect example of such a song: solid tempo, impossible to fall off the beat, cheerful and melodic.  It's also a fairly long tune - almost seven minutes long - keeping me on an even rhythm for nearly a quarter of my workout. Grade: A+

Jim Carroll - "People Who Died" - A true post-punk gem, Mr. Carroll muses about all his friends who met grisly ends.  A solid bass line prevents my workout rhythm from flying all over the place, and the tune offers me a speedy five-minute run.  Grade: A-

Devo - "Working in the Coal Mine" - An inferior tune compared to "Jocko Homo," but superior in that I can exercise to it.  An angular cover of an old R&B hit, "Working" pumps out a solid mid-tempo rhythm ideal for the middle of an elliptical run.  Grade: B+

Graham Parker - "Temporary Beauty" - Parker's attempt to be Elvis Costello (or was Costello trying to be Graham Parker?), this tune is a nice enough pop song, but not really workout material.  Grade: C-

Duran Duran - "Electric Barbarella" - Some great dance songs translate to good exercise tunes; others don't.  "Electric Barbarella" straddles the two, not quite breaking my rhythm but not giving me something solid to pedal to.  Still, it's a fun song.  Grade: B-

Camper Van Beethoven - "Take the Skinheads Bowling" - The number of CVB songs that make decent workout tunes could fit on the point of a needle, but "Skinheads" is poppy enough to provide me with a nice mid-tempo romp, and the delicious lyrics ("I had a dream / I wanted to lick your knees") is a nice morale boost.  Grade: B

Godley & Creme - "Cry" - No, it's not good workout material.  The tempo is unmatched by the somber lyrics, and the electronic falsetto at the end will make your earbuds fly off.  Grade: D-

Stay tuned for volume five!

heading into the debate...

How do right-wingers convince Americans that Katie Couric was trying to trip up Sarah Palin and that David Letterman is a left-wing Hollywood elitist? Given, they are trying with both Couric and Letterman, but they're definitely reaching. I'm actually beginning to feel sorry for the Freepers; they're struggling to prop up a Republican presidential candidate they loathe, and the veep candidate they love has performed so poorly this week, it's hard to keep up with her frequent errors.

Think about this: McCain got his ass handed to him by Barbara Walters. Sarah Palin sounded like a college froshie who didn't do her homework against the likes of softballers Couric and Charlie Gibson. They're tripping on hurdles laying on the ground.

This debate should be interesting.

My answer to PETA

No.

Eight things about my wife that totally blow my mind

In honor of our second wedding anniversary, eight things about Tori that totally blow my mind:

1. She had not eaten Rice a Roni until only three months ago.  Now she loves Rice a Roni, that MSG-laden treat.  I've probably lost valuable purgatory points because of this.

2. She begged me to go to this Italian deli she heard about.  We finally went last month, and it was really good.  There was no place to sit and eat, so we sat down on a quiet curb and munched away on our sandwiches and talked and laughed.  We were eating sandwiches.  On a curb.  And it felt so right.

3. She is so beautiful when she's sleeping.  When Mimi snuggles up next to her for the night, they're amazingly cute.  If I get enough requests, maybe I'll take a photo of the two of them snoozing and post it. 

4. It's our second anniversary, and what does she want us to do?  Put up Obama posters. 

5. Of my friends and family, there is not one person who has met her and not fallen in love with her. 

6. She has such a hold on my heart.  I've turned down sexual propositions from women in my dreams, telling them I'm married.  Yes, I won't look for a piece of ass on the side while unconscious.  How whipped do you have to be to reject adultery while asleep?

7. Her "eep!"  Her "eep!" is cuter than a basket full of kittens.  (And yes, it's her literally saying "eep!"  It's not a substitute for something more sordid.)

8. After nearly six years, she still puts up with me.  I never thought this was possible.  Admit it: neither did you.

I love you, sweetie.

I want chocolate milk, dammit! And other veep debate demands

This is going to be one interesting vice-presidential debate, I must say. I'm not sure what's more ridiculous: that the McCain/Palin campaign demanded this kindergarten-grade debate, or that the Obama/Biden campaign agreed to it.

However, you shouldn't attack the Democrats for caving in the McCain campaign's demands. After all, they did hold their ground and reject several other of the GOP's demands, such as:

1. During the debate, Mrs. Palin is to be addressed as "Governor Palin," while Mr. Biden is to be addressed as "Baby-Killing Senator Biden Douchebag Shithead."

2. Every time Senator Biden is given the opportunity to a rebuttal, he is to be kicked in the nuts beforehand.

3. The song "What are Little Girls Made Of?" is to played when the candidates are introduced.

4. Before the debate, Senator Biden must submit to an exorcism by Sarah Palin's pastor, Thomas Muthee. Pastor Muthee is also required to interpret for Mrs. Palin during the debate in case she answers questions by speaking in tongues.

5. If Senator Biden is sexually assaulted during the debate, he must pay for his own rape examination kit.

6. If Governor Palin slips on a question, Sean Hannity will be available to stroke her hair and coo "there, there" into her ear.

7. Senator Biden must be dressed entirely in black, including a black cape and a long, black waxed moustache curled up at the ends. He must also answer all questions in a snarl and, in the middle of the debate, tie Governor Palin to railroad tracks.

8. Governor Palin is allowed to throw snowballs at Senator Biden anytime during the debate.

9. Every time Governor Palin tells a lie, an angel must get its wings.

10. Finally, Senator Biden must stand inside a cage full of pigeons, and every time he is pooped on, Palin can jump up and down, screaming "Poopyhead! Poopyhead! Biden is a poopyhead!"

At least the two camps agreed on two things: to make the vice-presidential debate as boring as possible, and chocolate milk for everyone.

Burning questions - special Young MC edition

1. You're at a New Year's Eve party, and you ate way too many pigs in a blanket.  So many, in fact, you possibly ate the equivalent of an entire pig.  You feel gross and fat, your clothes feel tight, you desperately want to unzip your pants, and you're strongly tempted to go to the bathroom and purge.  It's closing in on midnight, and an attractive person who hadn't met before approaches you and requests a New Year's smooch.  What do you do?

a. bust a move!
b. bust your pants!
c. politely remind this person it's not quite midnight, and you can't smooch them until HOOOOOOOAAAAAAARRRGGGG all over their outfit.

2. You've arrived at a paradox about your state of existence.  The concept of parallel universes would seem to disprove the existence of a soul, unless the spiritual realm has similar parallelisms (or the parallel universe is soulless).  Conversely, the existence of a soul would disprove the idea of a parallel universe: after all, if you have only one soul, and it occupies your body in this universe, whose soul occupies your body in the parallel universe? 

How do you resolve this conundrum?

a. drink more gin.
b. consider the possibility that someone else is you in a parallel universe and is probably doing a far better job at being you than you are.
c. discard the concept of a soul.
d. bust a move!

3. Is there anything sadder about hanging yourself with a celibate rope than the fact that even a celibate rope has probably gotten more action than you?

4. You have "Bust a Move" so entrenched in your brain, you grab your cranky calico kitty and dance around in your underwear with her in the living room.  What do you sing?

a. "Bust a Move."
b. "Bust a Meow."
c. "Bust a IIIEEEEEOOOWWWWW MY NIPPLE!!!"

5. Your best friend Harry has a brother Larry; five days from today he's going to be married.  He's hoping you can make it there if you can, because in the ceremony you're the best man.  Why can't Harry be the best man?  He's Larry's brother, for crying out loud.  And the following line would still work: "...because in the ceremony you're a groomsman."

6. What makes "Bust a Move" such a cool song?

a. that thumping Flea-plucked bass
b. the last time someone rhymed "libido" and "tuxedo" in a song
c. the use of many multisyllabic words such as "reception," "materialistic," and "overzealous," which is no longer allowed in hip-hop.
d. "bust a move!"

Ellptical Workout iPod reviews - Volume 3

Who's up for some elliptical music reviews?  I knew you were. 

Dave Edmunds - "Girls Talk" - I enjoy the song a lot, but it's a little too fast-tempo for an elliptical workout while not inspiring me to embark on that very tempo.  Grade: C

Split Enz - "Six Months in a Leaky Boat" - Again, a great song that's simply not workout material.  The tempo abruptly changes after the second chorus and again during the long coda.  Less poppy than "I Got You," "Six Months" is a superior tune that should be listened to in a state of rest.  Grade: D+

Crowded House - "Don't Dream It's Over" - A quiet, slow-tempo tune, great for when I need to "rest" without actually stopping, but that's the only workout use for this tune.  Grade: C+

Dead Milkmen - "Bitchin' Camaro" - Almost useless for an elliptical workout, but fun to listen to, especially when I need inspiration to keep going.  Grade: C

The Replacements - "Alex Chilton" - I rediscovered this song soon after I bought my iPod, and it's hard to get tired of this enthusiatic, high-powered song.  The tempo varies, but like "Bitchin' Camaro," it's fun to listen to, and it injects enjoyment into an otherwise tiring workout.  Grade: B-

The Cure - "Pictures of You" - A near-perfect pop tune for an elliptical workout, the song is solidly mid-tempo, with a strong beat, skillful guitar work, and dreamy lyrics to lose oneself in.  Robert Smith's voice is less whiny (and thus more tolerable) than usual, allowing the instrumentation a turn at pop stardom. Grade: A

Pet Shop Boys - "Opportunities (Let's Make Lots of Money)" - This single was the second 45 I ever purchased (22 years ago this month, actually), and it sounds so much older and murkier than it is.  Still, it's a serviceable tune for a workout.  Grade: C+

See ya for Volume 4.

The Kids are Alright

Not *my* kids, mind you. I am still determined not to reproduce at any cost. So determined, I inject memories of working at FAO Schwartz directly into my testicles daily. Although painful, it is by far the most effective method of birth control. Nothing scares a sperm cell to death like images of children spitting a licorice twist into the very container they picked it out of a few seconds before. I'm talking about someone else's children, those I don't have to spend much time with, and with a teacher nearby to take over if the shit (literally) hits the fan. I like these children; they're quiet but inquisitive and genuinely want to learn.

You're obviously asking yourself, "Who let the Reverend near children?" Open Books, that's who. Open Books is a Chicago non-profit dedicated to boosting literacy rates through tutoring (kids and adults) and reading to kids. There are several different programs, but I decided to start with being a reading buddy, which is basically partnering up with a student at a certain school and reading a book together. This is a lot slower than reading alone, especially when you're reading with a second grader. I probably would have done much better had I just pushed the kid out of the way and read alone, but that's not the goal of being a reading buddy. I will divulge neither the school I went to nor the name of the child I read with, but I will reveal the name of the book we read: A Busy Yearby Leo Lionni.

The plot was fairly simple: two mice, Willie and Winnie, meet a talking tree named Woody (they're totally blown away by this despite their ignorance of the miracle of talking mice) and spend the entire year hanging out with their new best friend. I had two problems with this book: first, Woody was a girl. I have no problems with girl trees - I am a feminist dendrology fan - but Woody is a boy's name, as I quite pointedly explained to my reading buddy, who seconded my complaint. It's like calling your boy tree Liza. My second complaint came about at the very end of the book, when Winnie and Willie celebrate Christmas with Woody, and Winnie presents her gift to the tree: manure.

Have you ever found yourself explaining what manure is to a second-grader you met a mere forty-five minutes ago? Lemme tell you, it was no sweat, and it did lead to sound discussions on botany and what would we do if we got poop for Christmas. Sure, Woody - obviously maintaining a straight face - said she was very happy for the manure because it would help her to grow. Fine, but who wants Christmas gifts of stuff they need? Yes, I needed socks and underwear during my tender years, but it's not what I wanted to remove from a gaily decorated box from under the Christmas tree. My reading buddy agreed with me that if I got poop from say, my mom, for Christmas, she'd be getting a seriously stinky present for Mothers' Day.

What was (wisely) left unsaid was: where did Winnie get the manure? Did she wander aimlessly around her neighborhood, cursing the pooper-scooper laws? Did she and her friends get sloshed the night before and take turns pooping in a used, teeny-tiny Crate & Barrel gift box? The mind boggles.

Other than that, I had a great time. My reading buddy and I hit it off well, and I plan to return next week to read with another short person. However, I'll never forget my first reading buddy - or the look on his face when I told him trees eat poop.

The Basketball Game

Once upon a time, I shot some hoops against a team of Republicans.  Now,  basketball's not my sport: if my accuracy at the toilet matched that of my shooting skills, there'd be puddles on the bathroom floor, the kitchen, next door, etc.  But I played my best and tried to enjoy myself.  Our team wasn't great, but we had a couple of good players, and if we didn't win most of our games, we at least kept them close.

However, we had never played a team like these Republicans.  Every time I brushed against one of their players, he'd react like I tasered him, throwing himself several feet onto the ground, occasionally grabbing an ankle, demanding the referee call a foul.  They'd call a time out every time our team stole the ball or was about to shoot the ball.  At one point, while I was blocking a pass, their player threw the ball directly at my chest, and when it bounced off my sternum, he yelled at the referee for not calling a double dribble on me.  After a while, the referee ignored the opposing team's constant stream of time outs, acrobatic falls, and fake injuries, at which point the team began to protest against not only the unfairness of the referee in the game, but of referees in general.  They demanded, in the interest of fairness, we replace the referee with one of their cheerleaders.  I opposed this change and wanted to quit, but I was outvoted by the rest of our team.  After all, it was just a game, and we were there to get some exercise and have fun. 

After that, the game got a lot less fun.  The new referee called fouls on us whenever we got near the ball; she even called a foul on me when I was on the bench and the ball happened to bounce nearby.  When our team complained to the referee about all these fake fouls, the opposition jumped between her and us, accusing us of disparaging her and defiling the integrity of the game.  Eventually the other team decided that shooting hoops was too difficult, so they grabbed a bunch of basketballs and threw them at our heads.  Whenever they missed, they complained to the referee, who whistled us for illegal ducking. 

I presume they won the game, but given how the game devolved, it was hard to tell.  I didn't play much basketball after that, but maybe I was being a sore loser; after all, it doesn't matter if you win or lose, but how you play the game.