RevSpork

Just being neighborly

A note to my downstairs neighbors, slipped under their doors, and lovingly transposed to my blog:

Dear Sir/Madam,

Please forgive this intrusion into your day. Last night I passed by the first floor and was struck by the sweet smell of ganja. I do not care which apartment the odor emanated from. I have no intention of calling the police or alerting our landlord. What you do in your abode is your business, as long as you’re not fomenting violent revolution or painting your walls in non-pastel colors.

However, if you are unwilling to share your weed with your neighbors, you should likewise not share the smoke. To prevent this in the future, I recommend stuffing a damp bath towel into the bottom crack of your front door. Not soaked, mind you: you do not want to warp the floorboards and risk losing your security deposit. Just damp.

In conclusion, I wish you and your dealer the happiest of holidays.

Warmest regards,
an Anonymous Neighbor.

Rethinking eugenics?

I know I can sound like an old-fashioned fuddy-duddy sometimes. I'm at the age (97) when my friends and I all reminisce about the "good ol' days" (ca. 1979-1995). "Remember when pop music didn't suck?", I'll say, and my friends will nod in agreement. "Remember the Super Bowl Shuffle?", and "Remember when sticking babies into ovens was a hilariously tasteless LSD urban legend?" I really do miss those days.

A Ohio woman has been accused of murdering her month-old baby by nuking it in a microwave oven. Worse, this is the second such incident in the last decade. Yes, Elizabeth Otte was mentally ill, and this latest incident has not yet been proven in court, but this all worries me. In the last few years, we've seen parents murdering their own children in a variety of gruesome ways, but microwaving them is definitely up there on the ick scale. I'm worried that someone out there is going to be arrested for eating their children, and after the tasteless jokes tone down, will we see a resurgence of eugenics?

Who knows. In the meantime, here's a little message for the moms and dads out there: a baby is not a frozen dinner. If you need to dry the baby, use a towel. If it's cold, use a blanket. I know these methods are hopelessly old-fashioned, and it takes a little time and work, but they're still extremely effective. Trust me.

How not to make a sale

Today, for the third time in six months, the wife and I decided to go out into the world and come home with a healthy, bouncing computer. What fools we have been.

Birthdays

The older I get, the less I care about birthdays, including my own. I learned long ago that birthdays don't really mean shit in the grand scheme of things. Whoopie, the anniversary of the first day you were freed from seemingly permanent hot and humid weather, unless you live in south Texas, in which case you might as well still be living in a uterus.

Today would have been my father's 56th birthday. I'm unsure whether I should top his urn with a little pointy party hat or simply forget about it. Birthdays are random creatures of the calendar, itself an artificial measurement of time. We should celebrate people because we like them, not because of their position on the calendar. Birthdays should be abolished and replaced with [your name here]'s day, a day where enough friends and family find the time to get together, throw together a party, and remind [your name here] that [your name here] is worthy of a good time every once in a while. This could happen on your birthday, six months after your birthday, whenever. Hell, have two parties if [your name here] is that cool.

I'll celebrate and honor my father when I feel like it, whether 11 November, 24 October, or Christmas Day. He earned it, even if he's unable to share his presence with me directly anymore. And that's how it should be with everyone.

My little book capsule reviews

I don't know if anyone ever read these little tidbits, but I like writing them, so I'll keep posting them. However, I plan to bring a little sanity to the process. Instead of plopping a bunch in there every once in a while, I'll change them out once a month. I won't keep old ones up, so you have a month to read 'em. Of course, I'm also curious to know if folks actually read these books, so e-mail me and tell me what you thought of the literature in question, and I'll post about it later.

That's it. Go back to work.

Whipped santorum

Now, it's not quite official yet: George Allen has not yet conceded the Virginia Senate race, and I don't care what he or anyone says, I don't trust Joe Lieberman for a minute. His election victory was due to Connecticut Republicans. Assuming Webb wins Virginia, Lieberman will be tempted with considerable clout by the GOP to switch, and it would surprise me even less if he actually jumped ship.

However, let's not worry about that now. Rick Santorum is out, and we should celebrate both his defeat and the man who made it all possible - Dan Savage.

Huzzah!

Relaunch: Phase 1

Yes, I'm back. So far, so good. As you can tell, very little has changed, but the blog will continue to mutate over the next 6-8 weeks before looking absolutely the same, because I play too damned much Kingdom of Loathing, and holiday retail will yet again sap my energy. Hopefully, however, my humble blog will undergo considerable reconstruction. In the meantime, Phase 1 is complete: I'm writing again. Plus I changed the photo. Hooray.

Rejoice, beautiful people. I have returned.