Disorder in the court!

We have 72 more hours until Moving Day, the Girlfriend is a tight ball of stress, and I'm washing our blankies.  And I've been summoned to jury duty.

I have spent nearly 15 years getting out of jury duty.  The most common way to get out of jury duty is, of course, moving so frequently that the courts can never find me.  I've also ignored jury summonses in the past with no harm done.  However, just three days before my address change, I got sucked in.  Fuck jury duty. 

The worst thing about it is that the court is on the other side of town from where we're moving.  If you live in Peoria, the other side of town isn't a big deal.  However, I live in Chicago, where the other side of town is closer to freaking Indiana than to my new address.  This is insane, and I plan to get out of it ASAP.

If I can't, I have some cards up my sleeve.  I've needed a haircut for weeks now, and I also planned to shave off my beard for the summer.  We're talking about a minor emergency here: you see my photo on the top of this blog?  I look very clean-cut in that photo, with my freshly-cut hair neatly brushed.  I'm wearing a tie, for crying out loud.  As of this writing, I look like a bearded version of the crazed, doped up piano player from "Reefer Madness."  I look perfect for avoiding jury duty.  I'll walk into court with a copy of The Anarchist Cookbook, muttering to myself and staring blankly into space.  I'll go cold turkey off the Effexor a couple days before I have to report.  Trust me, it will make my manufactured persona a LOT more authentic.   I'll still take a shower before I leave for court; the Girlfriend would be displeased of my not bathing a week before court, as I originally planned.  Instead, I'll leave home clean as a whistle, stop by Jewel for a six-pack of malt liquor, pour it over myself, and piss in my pants.  I'll be out of court within the hour.

If that doesn't work, it doesn't hurt to have strong opinions.  I'll be truthful, of course.  I would never lie in a court of law.  I'll just intensify my opinions to levels I would support if I weren't civilized.  For example, let's say I'm asked my opinion of drunk drivers.  I would respond, "Quite frankly, I would cut the cocksucker's arms off.  Then I'd blow up the office of the lawyer who defended him.  With a pipe bomb.  Look, here's a diagram on page 65.  Ain't she a beaut?  I'll call her Jessica." Then I'd go off on weird tangents, complaining about how the Jews run the world, and Mayor Daley is conspiring with Israel and the Trilateral Commission to form a One-World Government.  Lest you think this is inadequate, I'll toss in some some gems about the Mexicans. 

Of course, if none of that works, I'll take it like a man.  I'll do my best to serve my community and my country.

I'll flee to Switzerland.

Comments

[eighmie]

got out of jury duty in p-town. It was a bradley security officer who was assaulted by one of our fellow students. To top it off, some crazy prof, a short balding guy was going to be called as a witness for the security guy. I just said, hey what that guy says I will believe and besides, I was out drinking last week with dave Baer and I'm not 21 yet. ( this was a long time ago in a galaxy far far away.) Don't sweat it. I have been called 5 times in Chicago and have never had to leave the house for any of it. Call the number on the back of the form the day before. You should be ok. Just pretend you never got the notice, that's what Brad does.

[Tina]

I just got out of jury duty by saying I'm still in school. I couldn't believe I got summoned though... I always thought jury duty was for old people :P LOL

[Myke]

Maybe things are different in Chi-town, but here in the Lou, even if you smell like a pig-sty you still have to sit around for a couple days until the lawyers decide they're not going to put you on a jury.

In STL county, if you can't make it they pretty much wave you off and throw your name back in the pool (this happened to me twice). But in the city, if you can't make your dates then they make you pick an alternative time.