RevSpork

Something you won't find at Good Vibrations

This censorship fever that has gripped television ever since Janet flashed the TV cameras during last year's Super Bowl has apparently infected the web. Case in point: this article about a hen who laid a spoon-shaped egg in China. "Spoon shaped?" Surrrrrre. They're only trying to be polite and protect the minds of the squeamish from the obvious, which is: this hen laid a dildo. Go ahead, tell me I'm wrong. Ok, fine, tell me I'm wrong and mean it.

I know what I need to do: I need to fly to China and buy this chicken. The money-making possibilities of breeding a dildo-laying hen are enormous. Just think: you never have to go to slimy adult stores or, if you live in Alabama, get arrested for owning a sex toy. You just buy my chicken, feed it, and within a few days - *SPLORT* - your toy is ready. How easy is that?

Better yet: with genetic engineering, I can transfer the dildo-laying hen's DNA into larger birds to create larger "spoon-shaped" eggs. Imagine that wealthy, kinky debutante waiting for a "gift" from her pet emu.

No matter which bird you choose, remember: be sure to hard-boil your dildo first.

So, about that Iraqi election...

It came off with only a few million hitches, but it happened.  Millions of Iraqis pushed aside the dangers and their fears and marked their ballots.  And really, that's a giant step in the right direction.  The next question is obvious: now what?

Where do they go from here?  Will the American military need to remain for years to come, or will the nation stabilize to the point where they don't want our assistance anymore?  And how will the Bush (or his successor's) administration cope with a free Iraq that wants to go its own way?  The U.S., remember, has a track record of shooting down democratic governments who stopped dancing to America's tune.

For today, let's set aside the questions and celebrate what we hope is the birth of a new democracy.  Huzzah!

I'm so damned full

I'm so full of chocolate right now, I'm tempted to puke.  But I shall restrain myself, for I do not wish to replace my keyboard.

The Girlfriend and I, to celebrate our upcoming anniversary, had dessert at the Peninsula Hotel downtown.  A typical high-end place for a meal, even dessert, but this joint featured a chocolate buffet.  Lots and lots of chocolate.  Like, waaaaaay too much chocolate.

Given, the chocolate desserts were spectacular.  Ringing a gigantic round table were chocolate mousse, miniature chocolate cakes and cookies, two chocolate soups, chocolate-covered strawberries, coffee and tea with a choice of white or dark chocolate-covered teaspoons, and on and on and on. 

For a chocolate lover, this sounds like paradise, but there's a wee bit of a problem: if you try to sample everything, your stomach will explode, and folks, I came damn close to doing so.  But DAMN...it was all good, especially the mousse topped with thick whipped cream.  We topped that all off with a martini and two small pieces of achingly delicious tiramisu the waiter presented to us on a plate with two lit candles and "Happy Anniversary" beautifully written in chocolate.  It was a wonderful night.

Wonderful nights, however, rarely come without a price.  I have to be up for work in just over six hours, and I'm bloated, sleepy, and wired simultaneously.  I'm tempted to down some Nyquil, but I'm afraid my stomach will explode.

You may be a Boy Scout and not know it!

I love irony.  The latest?  The Boy Scouts of America, who fought so hard for so long to keep gays out of the organization and maintain a Christian identity, has a problem on its hands: the Greater Alabama Boy Scout Council allegedly cooked their enrollment books in order to attract more sponsorship dollars.  Suspicions were raised when a BSA volunteer found twenty names with the last name "Doe" on a scouting program list.  Oops.

More irony?  In the past several years, various United Way chapters have defunded local Boy Scout chapters because of their discrimination policy towards gays.   Religioustolerance.com even posted a list of those Boy Scout chapters; as you can tell, Alabama's troops have not been affected.  In fact, not a single Boy Scout chapter between Orlando, FL and Austin, TX has been de-funded by United Way chapters.  More research is needed, of course, but it looks as if some Boy Scout boosters in Alabama were lying through their teeth.

That particular commandment sure gets trashed a lot by those who allegedly cherish its message, don't it? In the meantime, if you live in Alabama, you may have been added to the GABSC enrollment list and not know it. Just in case, you may wish to comfirm this by contacting the organization at: 2211 Drake Ave., Huntsville, AL 35805 Ph# 1-888-301-8756

Señor Itchy

It's been so cold around here lately, I've decided to grow out my beard.  Normally during the cold months, I just sprout a goatee, but due to both the weather and a desire to fulfill the Girlfriend's fondest dreams, I'm growing out a full beard. 

Man, it's agonizing.

Oh, the weather outside SUCKS!

I arrived in Chicago in mid-2001, a few months after the city got socked by a nasty, snowy winter.  What followed were three straight mild winters.  For example, the winter of 2001-02 didn't see a Chicago snowstorm until mid-January.  Last winter featured a few small snowstorms and a couple nasty cold snaps, but nothing major.  This year was destined to be different, and your Reverend knew it, predicting a nasty winter as early as August.  Sure, we didn't get a major snowstorm right after Election Day as I predicted, but then Chicago was so depressed over the election that we wouldn't have noticed an alien invasion, let alone a blizzard, so it may very well have occurred right under our noses. 

Let me repeat this: I *told* you folks we were going to get socked with an ugly winter.  I warned you.  You could be in Hawaii right now with the intelligent people, but NOOOOO!  All those excuses about jobs, kids, house repair et al, seem mighty flimsy now that you're up to your armpits in snowdrifts.  I think Chicago owes me an apology for ignoring my warnings. 

Black and white and green

And now, for your pleasure, the return of political musings from the Reverend. 

First up, we have a victory for white cops who beat up black kids:  A white Los Angeles cop who was captured on video beating hell out of a 16-year old black kid won $1.6 million in a reverse-discrimination suit filed against the city.  Another white partner picked up a cool $800K in the verdict as well.  I'm sure the city will appeal, and the cops won't see a penny, if at all, for a long time.  But I'm sure the jury award will set a precedent that will lead only to fun fun fun for violent ex-cops tossed out for similar behavior.

Next, we are all aware the corpos put up a ton of dough for Smirky McSpittle's second inauguration.  Now, let's be fair: this had happened with all recent inaugurations, and this one isn't any different.  Well, except for the quarter-million bucks the Inaugural Committee got from the Moonies.  I get this feeling that by 2030, the government will be torn apart in a civil war between the Moonies and the Scientologists.  Maybe if we're lucky, they'll kill each other off. 

Finally, as we all know by now, SpongeBob SquarePants has been targeted by the Christian Right (specifically, James Dobson of Focus on the Family) for promoting gay rights via a pro-diversity video created by the We Are Family Foundation. The video also includes other cartoon and muppet stars as Jimmy Neutron, Bear, and Big Bird.  Despite SpongeBob's creator's insistance that Bob and his buds are asexual, the truly paranoid know the truth: just about every cartoon character is light in the loafers, from the older (Pink Panther and Rudy from Fat Albert) to the younger (Elmo is soooo gay!).  In fact, I'm sure my zillions of readers can name five closeted cartoon characters in two minutes flat.  Any takers?  (Peppermint Patty, who's been out since 1972, does not count.)

That's it for tonight's Reverend Spork Report.  Good night.

Viva Los Weirdos

Now that you have read about my excursions to a gay hamburger joint and my adventures with sex toys in an airport, I thought I should devote the last chapter of my trip to the most mundane chunk of it - Las Vegas.  What a bizarre city.

Vacation Weather Review

We left Chicago in the middle of the biggest snowstorm to hit the city in four years.  Ten inches hits the ground.  Ten days later, we returned...and there's no snow on the ground.  Not a flake.

We flew to Phoenix and Las Vegas, two of the driest cities in the country.  We got rained on in both cities. 

The temperature in Phoenix hit 70 for the first time since before we arrived - on our last day there.  We arrived in Chicago at 1am that night - and it's five degrees above zero.  I actually gasped when the frigid wind hit me as we exited the airport.  We took a taxi home; the driver informed us it was 62 the previous Wednesday.  I think back; we were in Vegas that day.  The high?  57.  *SOB*

Should I sue God?  Cuz this is so wrong.

Not so good vibrations

I may be an odd person, but I don't ask odd things to happen to me.  I firmly believe I'm odd mostly because the weird in the universe have an attraction to yours truly.  My latest bout with weirdness came about simply because I'm a nice guy who wanted his girlfriend to enjoy more of Las Vegas than just the roulette tables.