Reverend Spork, Porn Star

After a mere eleven hours of Effexor-induced snoozing, I woke up this morning, shuffled over to the computer room, and checked my e-mail.  Ah, yes, more e-mail from the Girlfriend.  A weekday does not go by without several e-mails from the Girlfriend, mostly news of the day but also reminders to pay the damned rent (I can't find my checkbook) and little love notes.  This morning, however, a different message lurked in my electronic mailbox.  According to her company, I've been classified as porn. 

Normally, this is no big deal to me.  I've been caught in the Girlfriend's accursed filter software at her company before.  In fact, for a couple of weeks, all three of our blogs were blocked due to "pornographic" content.  (Ironically, the Girlfriend could post to her own blog but could not read it.)  I was greatly amused by this, for although my own blog is a filthy, amoral mess o' porn (see my earlier posts about Willy Wonka), the Girlfriend's two blogs (especially her "notorious" diet blog) are devoid of blatent sexual content.  Of course, that's the bane of filtering software.  The Girlfriend's blogs share the same URL as mine, thus they must be as disgusting as mine.  Thankfully, our blogs have been cleared for reading at her company recently.  Why?  I haven't the slightest clue. 

Today, however, I'm more than slightly miffed.  The Girlfriend, being totally in love with me, wanted to e-mail her work address a scanned photo of me this morning so she could place it on her desktop.  I, of course, knew little about this, being half-asleep, but the Girlfriend is quite aware that I'll agree to just about anything at 6am, as long as she lets me go back to sleep.  (It is this method that landed her this apartment, thirty Julia Child cookbooks, and a Saab.)  This morning, she asked me if she could e-mail her work address a photo of me at the beach.  I mumbled something like "Please, I beg of you, do not do this!" but I think it came out as "Sure.  Why nzzzzzzzzz" because she sent the photo off immediately.  It got nailed by the company's spam filter as a porn photo. 

This, of course, thrilled the Girlfriend to no end.  I, on the other hand, am less pleased.  You see, the photo she e-mailed to herself was me at the beach, a place where guys wearing nothing but a thong is commonplace.  However, the photo of me was not very revealing.  For one, I'm pictured only from the chest up; my nipples aren't visible.  For another, although I'm not wearing my T-shirt, it's draped over my hot, naked shoulders.  In fact, the most naked part of my body in the photograph is (you guessed it) my bald fucking head.   As the tech support guy reported to the Girlfriend, "The automated porn service of our spam filter is extremely sensitive to skin in photo exposure.   Sorry for the inconvenience."

No problem, Mister Filter Boy!  I *love* knowing that my head is the skin equivalent of Jock Sturges photos or Hustler.  It's bad enough that I had to lose my thick mane of hair in my freaking 20's, worse yet that folks like me, Jason Alexander, and Danny DeVito can't go to the beach without our photos being blocked by internet filters, banning us from corporate computers and chickenshit public libraries.  And what lies in wait for horny teenagers breaking through mommy and daddy's internet filters?  They're starving for pictures of naked boobies, and instead get...bald heads.  Whoopie. 

So, bald guys like myself are showing too much skin, eh?  Perhaps we should wear hats everywhere, including the shower?  Hell, it's not like we have any hair to wash anyway!  YOU WANT PORN, FILTER BOY?  I'LL SHOW YOU PORN!  I'LL SHOW YOU PORN!!!

I'm getting horny already.

Comments

[Laura]

I just busted up over this. Thank you kindly for cheering me up in the wake of intense grant deadlines and custody nastiness.

(I'm amazed that my workplace doesn't filter you out, but I guess we're a little bit mellower about the porn as long as it doesn't involve children.)

[Tina]

Oh man...that sure beats anything else i've read all day long. Now those are the kinds of things i should come across in business law...the rules of filtering e-mail lol

[Bill Stevenson]

Fortunately we academics don't tend to have filters. Of course a lot of people get dragged away in handcuffs for looking at the wrong kind of porn.

[AmyWOMAN]

Do I detect the hint of an eyebrow, perhaps intended to titillate your readers? Tsk.

[ChgoRed]

Hot, naked Spork shoulders...mmm...

[pam]

Rev, I haven't been able to access your site from work in a month. Our server classifies your site as (oh, yer gonna love this) "Tasteless".

Maybe it's all the colorful metaphors you use!

[Reverend H.L. Spork]

Only a hint of an eyebrow, Amy? My eyebrows are quite obvious in the photo. Buck naked eyebrows for all the web to see. It's one of my eyeLASHes that's peeking out, fluttering merrily into the camera, that's designed to titillate my readers.

Tasteless, Pam? Your work filter is obviously insane. My blog is the very crumb of good taste. It's a conspiracy by Sandra Lee devotees to prevent people at work from learning the true, tacky nature of her gawd-awful cooking. I know this because a talking otter told me.

What's so tasteless about that? It's not like the otter had a leather fetish. Sheesh, some filters.