In a pathetically cynical attempt to boost my blog hits, I brutally attacked Food Network's "Semi-Homemade Cooking" host Sandra Lee without any explanation whatsoever. (I had a weak moment.) Although my cynical attempt was partially successful, I believe I left my regular thirteen readers completely stone-faced, not aware of the evil I railed against.
American cooking suffers from a massive case of schizophrenia. Chefs are cable TV celebrities while people eat individually-wrapped slices of processed PB&J on the way to work. Sandra Lee styles herself as the Great Yuppie Hope, mixing these two strands of Americana together into a putrid result that strongly resembles Oreos dipped in Hollandaise sauce. Which, if Hollandaise sauce came in a can, she'd immediately use for an episode called something like "Quick & Easy Bridal Shower Recipes."
Sandra Lee, host of the Food Network's "Semi-Homemade Cooking with Sandra Lee," came up with a novel idea: why not use already-made manufacturers' ingredients, mix them together, and call it cooking? For example, her "Glazed Doughnut Crisps" consists mostly of Pillsbury cookie dough, molded into a doughnut shape. Her "Harvest Walnut Cookies" are basically a package of white cake mix, a package of chocolate cake mix, and some walnuts, thrown together.
As you have gathered, Lee is not a real cook. When I was in college, I whipped up classic college recipes like "Tuna Thrown Into Kraft Macaroni & Cheese" and "Diced Hot Dogs Thrown Into Kraft Macaroni & Cheese." This did not make me a "good cook," and I knew this even then. I only knew that, as someone who actually used his stove, I was a better-than-average college-age male when it came to preparing food. Loser that I am, however, I did not change the names of these recipes to "Cheesy Tuna Casserole" and "4th of July Firecracker Surprise" and get them published. That was Sandra Lee's destiny.
Given, if you make a huge pile as an interior decorator and have your admirers crown you the new Martha Stewart, you can pretty much dictate your tastes in any forum you want and get a slavish audience to worship at your feet. And there's certainly nothing wrong with cooking with already-prepared ingredients. But doing so and calling it cuisine is more than a little disengenuous.
Sandra Lee's admirers share the same protect- our- flawed- leader- from- the- heathen ardor that shields President Bush. Her detractors are a coalition of people who actually love to cook and Martha Stewart-ites, who are mightily peeved that this upstart dare consider herself the equal of Martha. As much as I loathe Martha Stewart, at least her recipes are legit. Sandra Lee doesn't merely promote not baking from scratch, she sneers at actual cooking from scratch as time-consuming and not worth your hard-earned leisure time. She also promotes laziness: why make homemade chili (which requires nothing more than meat, beans, veggies, spices, and a Crock Pot) when you can just scoop it from a can, throw some pasta sauce on it, and call it your creation? People do the same thing feeding their dogs; why would you treat your guests and your family the same way?
It would be ludicrous to call Sandra Lee a clear and present danger to cooking. In reality, she's a throwback to the 1950's suburban recipe books, where catsup and Jell-o occupied the same book, occasionally the same recipe. I'm sure it's only a matter of time before Sandra Lee, the Anticook, will whip up a Tomato-Orange Super-Thick Smoothie for the bridge club.
Well, I gotta say, man, I'm still stone-faced.
I mean . . . who cares?
Does a woman on TV who can't cook talking about her stupid non-recipes actually have any effect on what anyone else eats?
And if it does, what's the big deal? Plenty of people live on fast/junk food as it is. Yeah, I think it's pathetic, but people make their own choices. All the Julia Childs and Martin Yans in the world won't change the basic fact that Americans are, by and large, lazy.
And those of us who like to eat real food will continue to eat real food (most of the time), blissfully unaffected by Sandra Lee or Martha Stewart or Chef Boyardee.
So I gotta ask, Rev: why bother giving this chick the time of day?
Posted by: Yosha | 25 July 2004 at 03:37 AM
Because everything else I've posted about in the last week and a half has been met with stone-faced silence.
Posted by: Reverend H.L. Spork | 25 July 2004 at 08:36 PM
Well, so was my calm, off-handed announcement last week that I got married (check your post on the marriage-protection amendment). Read your comments and don't call any of us kettles black (not that there's anything wrong with that).
Posted by: Laura | 26 July 2004 at 02:51 PM
Well, that's because I'm still kinda stunned from your off-handed announcement. Sorta came out of nowhere. I'm happy for ya, though.
Posted by: Reverend H.L. Spork | 30 July 2004 at 01:36 AM