And now...Maxim/Blender's Worst 50 Songs

Some of their picks make sense. Some don't. And some just piss me off. But here they are:

50. "My Heart Will Go On" - Celine Dion - 1998 - My complaint is only with the placement. What the hell is this not doing in the top 20?
49. "I'm Too Sexy" - Right Said Fred - 1992 - Ya know, this wasn't *that* bad a song. I thought it was kinda funny, once you emptied your brain of all deep thoughts. There's a place in the music world for harmless, silly pop.
48. "Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da" - Beatles - 1968 - Of all the bands they could beat up on, they go after The Beatles?!? The Beatles certainly shouldn't be untouchable when it comes to criticism, but there are hundreds of pop bands out there whose best songs can't beat The Beatles' worst tunes.
47. "The Only Thing That Looks Good On Me is You." - Bryan Adams - 1996 - Thankfully, I've never heard it. Why Blender should pick some pseudo-sexual obscure song nobody's ever heard of, and keep "Everything I Do [I Do It For You]" off their list, is beyond me.
46. "Hangin' Tough" - New Kids on the Block - 1989 - Now that's more like it. If you were a teenage girl at my high school, odds are you thought they were dreamy. If you were a teenage guy at my high school, you either hated their guts or had not yet come out. Ah, such simpler days.
45. "Mesmerize" - Ja Rule feat. Ashanti - 2002 - Never heard it. Those who have, fill us in.
44. "I'd Do Everything For Love [But I Won't Do That]" - Meat Loaf - 1993 - I like Meat Loaf. He seems like a cool guy. But he'll never top Bat Out of Hell, and he should never try.
43. "Follow Me" - Uncle Kracker - 2000 - I think I might have heard this song on MTV once while flipping channels. Apparently my decision to continue flipping was a sound one.
42. "The Sounds of Silence" - Simon & Garfunkel - 1965 - A big "Fuck You!" to Blender for this pick. Paul Simon is a poet. He sets his poems to music. Of course it's pretentious. Bob Dylan does the same thing, and I don't see him on your list.
41. "We Didn't Start the Fire" - Billy Joel - 1989 - slamming Billy Joel has been in fashion for so long, one wonders why anyone liked him in the first place. This song is not one of his better efforts, and it definitely wears thin after a few verses, but one of the worst songs of all time? Please. Then again, I was born on Long Island too. We LI-ers need to stick together.
40. "I Wanna Sex You Up" - Color Me Badd - 1991 - Here's a good question: when was the last time anyone heard this song on the radio? Me? I'd say, oh, about 1991. And I'd like to keep it that way.
39. "She Bangs" - Ricky Martin - 2000 - I've been told William Hung's version is actually better. Can anyone corroborate this?
38. "Cotton Eye Joe" - Rednex - 1995 - This is a song I'd love to hate, but it's like "I'm Too Sexy" in that it's cute, harmless dance pop. What bugs me is that I've heard it in two of the last five wedding receptions I've attended.
37. "Rico Suave" - Gerardo - 1991 - RRRRRICO. SUAAAVE. Yeah, that was fucking annoying.
36. "Make 'em Say Uhh!" - 1998 - Master P feat. Silkk, Fiend, Mia-X, and Mystikal - See #45, although the description of the song does sound worthy of the list.
35. "Shiny Happy People" - REM - 1991 - I was told, back in college, that REM intended this song as a sarcastic, sardonic tune about whatever, but nobody ever explained it to me. I suspect these were the same friends who wouldn't let me trip. There's a connection here, I know it.
34. "Longer" - Dan Fogelberg - 1979 - "I fell in love with you...I fell in love...with yoooooooooooooooou!" I was neutral about this song when I was young, and I don't give a rat's ass about it now. Still, if you're gonna throw in Fogelberg, where's America and Seals & Croft? Huh?
33. "Barbie Girl" - Aqua - 1997 - Incredibly, despite several near-misses, I have *never* heard this song. It's gotta be on a K-Tel 90's collection somewhere.
32. "Will 2K" - Will Smith - 1999 - The less said, the better.
31. "Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm" - Crash Test Dummies - 1994 - I liked this band when their first album came out, but this song abruptly ended my adoration of the band. Bizarro novelty tune.
30. "Greatest Love of All" - Whitney Houston - 1986 - This song I can tolerate. "I Will Always Love You," on the other hand, makes me want to stomp on ducklings. It's the latter that should be represented on this list.
29. "Breakfast at Tiffany's" - Deep Blue Something - 1995 - This song was the first sign that alternative music died when Kurt Cobain blew his head off.
28. "Your Body is a Wonderland" - John Mayer - 2001 - See #45.
27. "The Final Countdown" - Europe - 1987 - When I was 16, I liked the song. By 16 1/2, I could not stand it. But boy, the sheer goonyness of the music, the synth, the lyrics...It was just perfect Reagan era music, wasn't it?
26. "The End" - The Doors - 1967 - I've said it a million times, and I'll say it again: the Doors were the most overrated band in rock history. Jim Morrison was America's very first Rock 'n' Roll Asshole, and for this, he became a legend. This song is typical overblown Doors poop, only much longer, and thus much worse.
25. "I'll Be Missing You." - Puff Daddy feat. Faith Evans and 112 - Eh. I'm loathe to trash tribute songs, even mediocre ones, so I'll leave this be.
24. "Superman" - Five For Fighting - 2000 - See #45.
23. "Sunglasses at Night" - Corey Hart - 1984 - Heh heh heh. This song actually inspired people to wear their sunglasses at night. Man, they looked retarded. And Blender is right: that synth track *does* sound like a ripoff of "Sweet Dreams [Are Made of This]." I hadn't given it much thought before.
22. "Courtesy of the Red, White and Blue [The Angry American]" - Toby Keith - 2002 - You just *know* they're going to play this at the GOP convention.
21. "Two Princes" - Spin Doctors - 1992 - They were so close to being a one-hit wonder, and then this came out. Why? Nothing wrong with being a one-hit wonder. Just ask The Knack.
20. "Dancing on the Ceiling" - Lionel Ritchie - 1986 - One of those songs I can listen to, but if I never heard it again, I wouldn't feel any sense of loss.
19. "Broken Wings" - Mr. Mister - 1985 - See #20, except slightly more annoying.
18. "You're the Inspiration" - Chicago - 1984 - A problem with living in Chicago is having to endure this band on every classic rock station at least once an hour. Thankfully, they only play their pop/rock/jazz 70's stuff, not their just/plain/dumb/pop 80's stuff.
17. "Pumps & a Bump" - Hammer - 1994 - MC Hammer's disastrous attempt to regain relevance. Never heard it, never need to.
16. "What's Up?" - 4 Non Blondes - 1993 - This may very well have been the most annoying song of the 1990's. Or was it "500 Miles" by those excruciatingly awful Scottish geeks? It's a toss-up.
15. "I'll Be There For You" - Rembrandts - 1995 - Scratch that last sentence. *This* was the most annoying song of the 1990's.
14. "From a Distance" - Bette Midler - 1990 - The music writers at Blender strike me as pompous atheists who read a lot of Sartre between bong hits. They do have a valid point, however: this song sucks. Then again, it's no "Wind Beneath My Wings."
13. "Illegal Alien" - Genesis - 1983 - "Eeets no fahn bean an illegal ali-aaaaan!" Racist? Well, no, unless you're still pissed about those old Frito Bandito ads. Political satire that didn't work.
12. "Kokomo" - Beach Boys - 1988 - It's sad - this band hasn't been any good in over thirty years, and they *still* won't stop, despite not having a single Wilson in the band. Earth to Mike Love: RETIRE THE BAND ALREADY!
11. "Invisible" - Clay Aiken - 2003 - Maybe it's just me, but I cannot for the life of me see what's so adorable about a rodent-like anorexic who looks like Johnny Rotten's illegitimate son and sings like someone attempted to remove his testicles with a wire hanger. This song? Never heard it, but if it's like any of the crap he vomited in "American Idol," it belongs on any worst list of all time.
10. "Ebony and Ivory" - Paul McCartney & Stevie Wonder - 1982 - This song, like all 1980's Paul McCartney duets, wears real thin after the first few listens. As Dave Barry once asked, "What happened to Paul? Did his brain get taken over by aliens from the planet Twinkie?" Damned good question, Dave.
9. "American Life" - Madonna - 2003 - Madonna had that comeback going for a while there. This wasn't when her comeback came to an end (her GAWD-AWFUL version of "American Pie" did that), but this tune came along just when the "comeback" was beginning to smell up the fridge.
8. "Party All the Time" - Eddie Murphy - 1985 - Ah, the good old days! Remember when Don Johnson and Bruce Willis attempted musical careers? Wasn't that *hilarious*?
7. "Don't Worry, Be Happy" - Bobby McFerrin - 1988 - Never heard it. No I haven't!!!! No, no need to sing it!!! It's not necessary!!! AUUUUIIIIIGGGGHHH!!!! "Oooo oo ooo oo ooo oo oo oo oo - don't worry - oo oo oo oo ooooo ooo - be happy!" Thanks, assholes.
6. "The Heart of Rock 'n' Roll" - Huey Lewis & the News - 1984 - I, too, thought the heart of rock 'n' roll was Tibetian for many years. Thank God for lyric web sites.
5. "Ice Ice Baby" - Vanilla Ice - 1990 - The second salvo of the rap vs. rock frat house wars, the first being the "You Gotta Fight for Your Right to Party" Beastie Boys, who at least had both talent *and* a sense of humor.
4. "Rollin'" - Limp Bizkit - 2000 - The 176th salvo of the rap vs. rock frat house wars, except it now comes out of one speaker. Reminds me of the ending of Animal Farm, when the pigs start looking like the farmers and vice versa, and nobody can tell them apart. Limp Bizkit: The Pig People of Rock.
3. "Everybody Have Fun Tonight" - Wang Chung - 1986 - Whatta bunch of losers! Stupid ass, pseudo-Europop losers. Anyone who actually *liked* this song should be---
WE INTERRUPT THIS BLOG POSTING FOR AN IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT. FLASH! THE REVEREND SPORK ACTUALLY OWNS THIS SONG ON 45. I REPEAT, THIS SELF-RIGHTEOUS SCHLUB NOT ONLY OWNS THE SINGLE, BUT ACTUALLY *DANCED TO IT* AT A WEDDING RECEPTION. WE NOW RETURN YOU TO YOUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED BLOG POSTING, ALREADY IN PROGRESS.
---uh, venerated?
2. "Achy Breaky Heart" - Billy Ray Cyrus - 1992 - I prefer my own version, "Achy Breaky Butt." "He's inside my butt, my achy breaky butt, my boyfriend put it in my ol' rear end. His big schlong was a-smackin', mah butt cheeks were a-flappin', but now I got an achy breaky butt." This was, of course, last sung over a decade ago and should not be taken seriously. Nor should the original song, which managed to both make country music artistically irrelevent and popularize the mullet.
1. "We Built This City" - Starship - 1985 - This song is so clichéd, even making fun of it is a cliché. So I'm going to leave now and look for apartments. See ya!

Comments

[the kiosk]

re: sim&garf .. they couldn't even get the name of the song right.

re: john mayer.. I like that song. I don't care if it's sappy. It's a nice song.

[Mike Tumolillo]

Holy Reverend,

Sorry to sneak in through the back door of a comment box, but I was wondering if you could give some advice to six graduate students at Northwestern (Medill School of Journalism) who are making a gigantic community blog for Skokie, Ill., called www.goskokie.com

We're looking for Skokie bloggers (Skoggers?), trying to figure out how to keep people coming back, and wondering what a journalist's function is in the midst of blog like www.goskokie.com

Can you give any answers to the above topics?

Mrs.Saunders, my 4th grade music teacher, played "Built this City" for my class. I think it was meant to inspire us before we picked up our recorders.

Thanks.

[Tina]

This has absolutley nothing to do with your post but i don't feel like e-mailing it and i thought some other people might get a kick out of it http://www.rightwingeye.com/

[Myke]

I gotta say, Blender's website did not impress much. Spin wanna-bes with PIX of the HOT CHIX DUDE!, it looks like. And they gave Janet Jackson's new album 4 stars - did you see her on SNL? Unless she performed the weakest songs, there's no way that album is 4 stars.
So, not to be dismissive, but, um, dismissed.

[Reverend H.L. Spork]

Mr. Kiosk,

You, the tolerator of sappy? The person who once taped a Tom Petty album, skipping a tune because it was "too sappy?" Must be that tolerant Frisco air.

Myke,

I don't take Blender seriously as a music publication. I don't take Rolling Stone or Spin seriously, either. Describing Rolling Stone as a magazine about music is like calling Playboy a magazine about sex. Both are pop culture mags with an emphasis towards music and half (or fully) naked women.

Mr. Tumolillo,

Damned if I know. I'm just a small-time blogger with some friends and a few fans who tune in now and again. For a blogger with both a larger fan base and more of a local emphasis, try KIPlog. The only stuff I can recommend for you to do is:

1. Finding Skoggers? Yeesh. Dunno. chicagobloggers.com is yer best bet, but I'm sure you knew that. I figure the best way to find a local blogging community is to create and nurture a local blogging community. Use the minimal resources and connections you have and build it up.

2. That's easy. Keep a passel o' friends handy to read yer blog, gives you a core audience. Read other blogs and link the good ones to yer own. Write about subjects that frequently pop up in search engines. Most importantly, write often.

3. Journalist functions in blogs? Damned if I know. The political blogs I look at are secondary sources. They read original material via newspapers or journalists (e.g. Eric Zorn) who maintain their own web sites, and in turn I have the option to report the article via the link and offer my own opinions on the matter. Thus, news that folks might not actually have access to is spread throughout the blog world, offering more news and information to far more people. Neat-o.

Tina,

Didn't wanna leave ya out. How's things? And tell me more about "Mesmerize." You're young. You know this new-fangled musical stuff.

[eric]

...and "Kung Fu Fighting"?--should be #2. "Seasons in the Sun" seriously needs to be in there.

NB: A shortcut--simply pick any 50 of Lionel Ritchie's.