Thanks to my fine job at the candy store, I have now seen Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory approximately 80 times. Thing is, I don't mind that much. I first saw the movie when I was 8 years old and have never tired of it, even after seeing bits and pieces of it dozens of times at work. If someone were to invite me to a movie party and say, "Dude! We're gonna watch Willy Wonka!", I'd be delighted to go.
However, after one sees the movie as much as I do, and is as bored with everything else at work as I am, one cannot help but deconstruct the movie. I glance from the register, watch a 30-second shard of scene, and think to myself, "Hmmmm...if Charlie's grandparents have been in bed for 20 years, wouldn't the house really reek by now?" Sick? Of course, but when watching kids grab jujubes with their grubby little hands and throw tantrums, any thought, no matter how disgusting, is a pleasant vacation from reality. So, here are my first batch of thoughts on Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. Read, reply, and enjoy.
Part 1: The Candy Store Guy and the Teacher
Even when one is just barely out of kindergarten, there may be suspicions popping up in Junior's mind when he or she watches the first musical number where the candy store owner leaps around throwing candy at a group of children while warbling "The Candy Man." Two thoughts immediately spring up:
1. "Wow! That guy's giving away all that candy! Cool!"
2. "Uh, normal grownups don't do that. What gives?"
Of course normal grownups don't dash around stores throwing candy at children. You knew that when you were six years old, and you sure as hell know that now. I watch that guy climbing on his ladder, throwing candy around, snuggling a couple of the kids, and I just know he's got a dungeon in the back of the store. The man is obviously a pervert, and any parent with a triple-digit IQ, after watching their kids come home with severe stomach cramps and say, "Th' candy man was throwing candy everywhere! *BRAAAAAAAACCCCHHH!!!*", would either burn the candy store down or hang the candy man from the nearest streetlamp.
Notice the guy doesn't particularly like Charlie that much. The candy store guy throws a ton of candy at the kids, but later gets all pissy when Charlie doesn't pay him that nickel fast enough when he buys a Scrumdealicious [sic] Bar. And notice, during the Orgy of the Tumbling Gumballs, Charlie, while working his paper route, stands outside the window, obviously left out. Of course, what pederast would want a kid smelling of newspaper ink and old people?
The Teacher, on the other hand, is way cool. He has not a clue what the hell he's doing, but at least he's got his priorities straight. While other science teachers waste their students' time on useless crap, such as the Erupting Volcano That Everyone on Earth Has Seen At Least Twice, this teacher elects to instruct his students on the art of making wart remover. And really, any teacher that makes things blow up is automatically a cool teacher. You'd recommend him or her to all your friends. And when the experiment is over, he doesn't feed his students bullshit about how it will be on the mid-term. No, he dismisses the entire class so they can all buy chocolate bars. This man is obviously a genius, and should inspire students for decades to come. Being a pothead takes away from his genius not at all. I can only hope the cops don't find out about the hydroponic garden in his basement.
Thank you and good night.
Part 2 some other time.