ChgoRed, Girl Editor

...starring Nicole Kidman as the Deprogrammer...

From MSNBC in May 2005:

"A 2003 profile of Katie Holmes in the Sunday Mirror of London discusses how 'she went to cheerleading practice, got straight A grades, and made a pledge that she would remain a virgin until marriage.'”

So perhaps it's just as a I coworker and I surmised: Something like the Annunciation, but creepier.  With L. Ron Hubbard acting as the Angel Gabriel.  I'm sure there's a role for Kirstie Alley in that vision, too.  (Did you know she used to be fat?  Huh huh huh!?  Because now she's not, or sort of not, and she won't freaking shut up about it.  You might have heard.)

Anyway, it's still more palatable than the idea that Katie had sex with that striving, creepy, insane little fiance of hers.  Because...oh lord, I can't even summon the mental image without the phrase "demon seed" popping into my head.  That and "private aggreement," "sign here," "child bride," and "If we pretend you're straight, will you please go away?"

Someone should remind her to stock up on vitamins--I hear they're a sure-fire cure for post-partum depression. 

Phone Call for Macaulay Culkin

Corey Feldman Subpoenaed in Jackson Case

I've been trying to be all cool and circumspect now that the trial is getting under way, because...pedos--beyond vile.  And really, what's at stake here is answering the question, "Is he one or isn't he?"

But, I admit that this news set off every Celebrity Alert button in my head. Like "Bing-bing-bing!!!" set off.  I mean--subpoenaing another celebrity??  And it's Corey Feldman???? This case just got a whole lot freakier.

God, No

Maybe if we're lucky, it won't be true.

Michael Jackson to Be Father of Quadruplets

LOS ANGELES (Reuters) - Pop star Michael Jackson, facing a trial on child molestation charges, is about to become a father to four more children—quadruplets—by way of a surrogate mother, Us Weekly magazine reported on Tuesday.

True Hollywood Story

Where have I been? Well, working, cleaning, consorting with celebrities, etc.

No, really.

OK--sort of.

The Nose Knows

A few nights ago, The Boyfriend and I settled in from some truly gripping television: An hour-long show about Michael Jackson's face. I live for this kind of show. The Boyfriend lives for this kind of show to end. Still, interesting.

One of the plastic surgeons interviewed said basically that Michael's had so much surgery that the underlying scar tissue may be literally pulling at his face and exaggerating his features.

In other words, this (below) could get worse.

NOW you can scream.

Michael in Court: A Quiz

Let's say you're in trouble. A lot of trouble. So much trouble that you're going to court today, to be arraigned on some pretty nasty charges involving a young boy, alcohol, and, um, "bad touch." There's a lot riding on your behavior, so let's try to show a little respect for the system.

And So It Begins

Michael Jackson's sprucing up the nose putty and putting on his best surgical mask--he's got a court date today. He's not alone, though. About 100 supporters came by bus from LA and Las Vegas, calling themselves the (shudder) Caravan of Love.

My favorite part:

Sitting in the front passenger seat of one bus was a woman dressed as Charlie Chaplin.

"I'm Michael's favorite character," said Audrey Ruttan, 28, of suburban Van Nuys. "He loves Charlie Chaplin, and I'm here to support him and he's innocent."

Well, yes, she's a character all right.

But isn't Peter Pan Michael's "favorite character?" That's just what we need--Michael Jackson in bowler hat and toothbrush mustache.

More Michael, More Mess

Just doing my part to straighten out the spin...

Baby Got Black

Brace yourselves.

Michael Jackson has become a Muslim.

No, really.

I wonder if he can get those bowties with sequins?

The Ties That Bind

Sigh.

I should have known. I should have remembered her defense of OJ, and our arguments over the Elian Gonzales case. I should have assumed that my mother would take a view absolutely opposite mine. Still, I was caught off-guard yesterday when I discovered she believes Michael Jackson is being framed. It's hard enough to watch his apologists on TV, but to have one in your own family... Maddening, because her logic rests on three shaky pillars: "He hasn't hurt anyone; they should just leave him alone," "Someone's just looking for a payday," and, "That DA is just out to get him." Gah.

My personal view: I think he did it, but I don't think this case will go the way everyone expects. I'm not even certain he'll be found guilty. I don't think the DA will go for a plea bargain this time. But, if the accuser is really Gavin Arvizo (as the U.S. press has been hinting and as the foreign press has stated outright), I think he'll be a terrible prosecution witness. Even I've seen the footage of him and his mother talking about how wonderfully innocent the sleepovers were. In addition, his parents are currently in an acrimonious divorce/custody battle, which may have been a factor in bringing the case. Thus, the defense could have a field day. I think the DA is going to have to rely heavily on other evidence--the rumored "love letters" (ick ick ICKY), videotape, etc. I hope it's enough.

I'm really not looking forward to watching the defense team make mincemeat out of a 13-year-old witness. On the other hand, some analysts have been suggesting that we could see a "cleaned-up" Michael at the time of trial--i.e., no makeup, no faux military insignia, etc. That, I want to see.