Dear Gentlemen Who Work in the Chicago Loop:
Oh, how you play with my emotions.
I saw what you did last week, when great numbers of you suddenly started wearing button-down shirts—with ties, even. As if Business Casual had never happened at all. Believe me, I noticed.
See, when I was a young sprout and started working in the Loop 12 years ago, Business Casual was only just getting its Sperry-clad foot in the door. It was a glorious time to be a girl, because the men, oh the men. They would dress like that every day, in SUITS. With ties. And beautiful leather shoes. Like grown-ups. The best of them looked like refugees from a cologne ad, all suave man-angles and good jawlines. And if they went out in a group down LaSalle Street, well, it was like a herd of handsome coming your way.
Then: Business Casual. And the end to all that loveliness.
It has been so long. Do not toy with me. Make with the ties and the good shoes. Please?
*****
Dear College Student on the Corner Over There. Yes, You:
Yes, I see you "working" your "summer job." And yes, I AM blatantly ignoring you. Watch me walk by! Here I go! Thanks to my Loop radar, I saw you two blocks away. I see you every summer, you and your fellows with your little clipboards and your veneer of tax-exempt charity status. This "working"—it seems to involve standing outside for a few hours in a free t-shirt and some shorts...? Trust me: That is not work. Not even close. And no, I do not "...have a minute to do something good for the environment..." In fact, just hearing that question from one of you yet AGAIN makes me want to feed Styrofoam cups to endangered sea turtles. You know who else stands on corners and asks for my money? The homeless. Maybe your two groups can work out a deal and alternate days or something. For now, though, shoo.
*****
Dear Tourists:
Since you asked, the lake is that way—roughly the same place where we stopped putting up buildings. In fact, there are many exciting things over there just for YOU, specially designed to separate you from your lovely touristy money.
Please go that way now.
*****
Dear Farmer's Markets:
I am so glad to see you again. Your strawberries and fingerling potatoes have brought joy to our home. Your tree peonies are especially lovely this year.
But when you start offering me pumpkins, I shall be so sad. Please hold off as long as possible.
