Avert Your Eyes
What do you think scares women most?
Messy toilet seats? Spiders? Having to make conversation with that creepy guy from Accounting?
Hah!
What really, truly scares every sensible woman is that someday, she will be the guest of honor at a baby shower where this--THIS!--is displayed. And social graces will compel her to pretend she LIKES it.
Is hideosity a word? Well, it should be.
In case the eBay listing from whence this sprung is missing, or if you just think you can handle a full-on view of the horror, I’m including the picture separately. (Click to enlarge. Careful! It's a lotta pastel!)
I can’t decide what’s more upsetting: The Diaper Cake From Hell--excuse me, "Baby Carousel Diaper Cake"--or the fact that 4 people put in 24 bids and drove the damn thing up to $107.50.
You just can’t stop staring at it, can you? (Neither could the Boyfriend. He went literally slack-jawed.) So many bows, so much molded plastic, so much fucking pink and blue--but what’s inside?
"Ingredients:
150 newborn diapers
50 baby washcloths
4 baby rattles
2 baby bottles
1 soft toy
1 fork
1 spoon
1 brush
1 comb
3 teething rings
1 baby nail file
1 baby T-shirt
1 baby clippers
1 pair of baby scissors
1 pair of baby mittens
1 baby bib
1 decorated cake knife
1 decorated cake spatula
3 staircases with little horses
2 White pillar flower stands
2 cooridnating porceline baby decorations (designer's choice)
1 original designed "Baby Carousel" diaper cake topper (choose Vanilla or Chocolate babies)
1 suprise gift tucked inside the cake :>)"
Q. Where the hell do they PUT all that crap?
A. I'm thinking all the crap is on the outside. God knows how they cram that other stuff in there.
Q. I’ve temporarily gone blind. Is this normal?
A. No, but I’m sure it helps.
Q. Surprise gift? Isn't the cake startling enough?
A. Apparently not.
Q. Are those…oh my God…
A. Yes. Naked babies. On toilets. I’m guessing they’re part of the “porceline baby decorations.”
Q. Diaper cakes? Women don’t actually have those, do they?
A. Erm, yes. We do.
Q. All that plastic and nylon--that thing must be hella flammable!
A. And it would be totally worth it, but the fumes would probably kill you.
Q. But I could give this thing anonymously, right, as a joke?
A. Aww, but that would take all the fun out of it. Especially when the company can “provide the 'icing on the cake' with attaching personalized notes, or diaper cake poems.” Because there are just so many words that rhyme with “poo.”
Q. I think I’m going to throw up.
A. No problem. Here--have a diaper.
AAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!! I can still see it even when I close my eyes! It's burned into my retinas! Make it go away, please.
Posted by: Teri | Oct 29, 2004 at 09:41 AM
And the punchline is, even at $107.50, the reserve price wasn't met.
Posted by: Myke | Oct 29, 2004 at 03:35 PM